Restaurant 101.

So to pay off shit, while I study, I work as a waitress.

Now I wouldn’t say the place I work at is a fine dinning restaurant, we don’t wear uniforms, we have a lot of Goths that work there and the kitchen staff ‘s idea of a good time is taking ice buckets and filling them up with left over wine, beer whatever has a hint of alcohol in it, they’re game.

I must be honest .I’m not the best waitress, in fact I’ll take a sneaky smoke break before I bring out your R500 bottle of wine but I write everything down and I don’t take sips of your drinks or steal you’re leftovers. So I think I’m pretty legit.

I also don’t have strange piercings all over my face or a weird accent or have 7 kids to support.

To be honest being a waitress sucks (well in my experience). Don’t get me wrong, I’m really grateful I have a job but in my experience waiting on people has been one hell of a ride for the past few years. My last amazing experience was when a table was about to embark on a threesom, asking if I wanted to join. My next favourite was having an ashtray thrown at my ass and the top one being asked if it hurt when I fell from heaven.

So I thought maybe I could add some key points to the phrase don’t shit where you eat.

1.     Ignoring me as I approach the table will only piss me off and make me probably not give you clean tap water.

2.     I don’t know the prices of things because I don’t ever eat here. The menu was made for you’re viewing pleasure and has all the prices, asking what is good is a stupid question, it’s not like I’m going to tell you if something is bad.

3.     I do not make the food. Shouting at me, telling me how kak it is and how long it is taking will probably make me spit in your food.

4.     Please don’t feel the need to continue your “well she sucked me for hours” conversation or how big your boyfriend’s toolbox is. I will judge you. I will also judge you if for the whole night you are sucking each others faces only to come up for air.

5.     Asking me do I know who you are, I am not a GPS but I have pretty good idea if you removed your head from your ass you might be on the right track.

6.     Tipping me with 5 c coins, really???

7.     One last tip, if your on a date and the whole restaurant is packed up, the kitchen staff is looking at you, the waitress is looking at you and the bar is closed and it’s 4 am – don’t be that couple.

because i can.

I sometimes wonder if my mother sent me to a mixed sex school instead of an all girl school if i would understand the opposite sex better.

The past two weeks have been filled with as you do when u single , being utterly aware of couples , boy issues and how your best friend can see you with a dud but you cant.I have also realised how everything boils down to either one person who you love have loved or you are falling in love with.But its only Tuesday so lets see.

When i want to sneakily check my phone at work i go hide in the bathroom cubicle.I shit you not ( probably not the right use of words there) every night there is a new girl in there with her best friend and she is bawling her eyes out about some guy who she isn't good enough for , but she loves him and why cant he just love her.The next night the sam story different girl different guy.I looked at the door and on it was scraped in or written , Emily loves Tim forever or my man is the best love kim.A month later Emily's love for tim was scratched  out with Tim is a asshole and kim's man who she thought was the best now has a small cock.Her words not mine.I am sure Tim is lovely,

I just find it amazing how time consuming this all his , i mean you like someone and thats all you can think of , you cant eat you cant sleep and fuck getting a text from them turned your " i failed maths , got fired and ran my cat over " day into the best fucking day of your life.You start dating and you are annoyingly happy , you thank the car guard you hated, you wash dishes while humming , you cant even hum.Every "love song" is obviously about your love together and you plan things blah blah blah.How can life be this perfect.

Poof one day it all ends.This takes up even more time and you get you hair cut hell you go shopping you gym you do everything just to prove that this person made the biggest mistake of his life.This probably still wont work so you eat pray love the shit out of life , you buy kak books written by a married person about why he is just not that into you and you pretend that you are fine.

We can find cures for cancers , build a rocket , we can even make a sheep called dolly , but yet we are so stupid that we do have a cure for how to  get over a broken heart ( without illegal or liquid substances).

I thought maybe after all my dud experiences with men , I sound like an angry lesbian now i could share my tips with the art of "Just fucking get on with it."

1. You will want to die , you will prob not like anyone and you will either consume hopeless amounts of food or non at all.Keep in mind you are not Romeo and Juliet and yes this sucks but two long years from now you will be fine and you don't want to have embarrassing track marks on your arm about some doos that now probably works at Telkom as a cleaner ( karma is a bitch).

2. You can cut the christ out of your hair , yo can shop you can start doing sit ups and those freaky sex like yoga positions.This will not bring him back.Though it could make an interesting party trick.

3. Dont go looking for someone to replace the "one" you lost , this will probably lead to awkward moments of silence , herpes and you feeling like a bit of a slag.

4. When drinking ,wich yo will do heaps of .Give your cell to a friend that is bigger than you , so when you want to drunk dial he or she cant punch you in your stupid head.Because you are being stupid.STUPID.

5. You are going to feel lonely you will prob cry and you will hurt in places you didnt think were reachable let alone could feel.You will hate life , couples , God , youre ex and then 5 min later you will love your ex again , you are not bi polar or though you might seem like it.

6. Eat pray loving your way out of it will work for two weeks if that but you are not Julia Roberts you will not find a man by traveling around the world to find yourself.

7. Why is going to pop up alot .I cant tell you why but i can tell you that nothing last's forever so why the hell not.Life is a bitch get over it.It was not ment to be if it was you would still be together.

Truth is my little book of fuck all knowledge would just say , you are not alone.Shit has been dropped in an ocean for love , countries have lost rulers , rockstars have died from a bit of too much loving and friendships , family s have been broken up because of it.Its not really a very nice thing.

No book is going to make you stop hurting all you can do is dust yourself off take what you can from it , cry like hell and hope to God that if this one idiot could find you theres bound to be more.Just dont make it take up so much of your time because while your spending your time on this one person they are going on with life.Truth is you are not alone you are probably safer with being alone but that sucks, you are just getting to where you need to go with a bit of a fuck up in the road.

addiction

My first experience of fashion was defiantly a huge indication of how fashion would influence my life, emotions and sometimes even my circumstances.

I was 4 years old and my mother had this beautiful pink dress, I was in love. I of course had to be closer to it. Once drowning, I then decided my trusty sidekick, my dog Totto , needed to dress the part too. I wrapped him in my mothers expensive cashmere scarf, put a lovely hat on him, popped him in my dolls pram and took a stroll around the block. Totto was never the same and from then on I new this was the best feeling in the world.

I started working at 10 (only one neighbour replied to my will clean your house hand made advert.) I simply did this because my mom would not buy me heeled jelly babies, a must have for any girl I believed. Clothes would be one of the top three reasons for our future fights.

When most of my girlfriends were going through a break up they would hit the gym or change their hair, I would go look at clothes, I used to and still do sit with all fashion magazines cutting out outfits and creating looks and then try and replicate them.

I could never draw and tried needlework at school, I sucked but that never stopped me. I made really cool clothes made purely of cloth and safety pins, I eventually grew out of this and tried a less sex pistols inspired look. God bless Vivienne Westwood.

I realised I had a problem when I went to Scotland to go on a back packers tour and walked past Top Shop, It was really love at first sight. I of course spent all my money and then realised I had to go on a paid tour for a week with no pounds, my mom suggested I take the clothes back and, I of course asked if she was mad. I lived off a loaf of brown bread and cornflakes, but I looked great doing it!

Dorothy had these red sparkly shoes and every time she clicked them she said there’s no place like home, fashion is my red sparkly shoes 50 plus pairs of shoes later and I still find huge comfort and love in shoes , material and clothes.

happy hump day

My mother always told me  , when at a dinner party one should never discuss religion , sex or politics.

This however is not a dinner party.

There are very few things i understand in life example how i can never let go of anything, how no matter how many Vogue magazines i read or how much i swear or hook up with band members i'm never going to be the cool girl in mean girls , or how much people told me when i was little that there is no such thing as Santa Clause yet i was and still am convinced that when i was 6 i saw santa in the sky on xmas eve.My mother still claims it was a shooting star.

I went to to a concert with my die heart used fans friends on Monday , i was fucking petrified i have never seen so many fucking emo kids in my life and as luck would have it the drummer threw his stick out it hit me on my shin , this still makes no sense and i got to go home with it, keeping in mind all night long i was more worried about protecting my boobs from some serious emo kid knocking them so hard with his marching i would get tit cancer.

apparently they are rioting in London , they burnt down Jamie Oliver's restaurant tonight , still i have no fucking idea why , when i was 14 i was discovering boys and weed and why boys suck at communicating , actually not much has changed.

This week i have learnt that cosmopolitans make you drunk dial a 19 year old , fringes are a fucking awful idea in Cape Town wind , men never mean what they say and that some where all in between this i have managed to end up with some random fucking drum stick, I managed  to piss my best friend off earlier today and also that my portfolio has about 77 million spelling mistakes in it!

Today is only Wednesday though and at the moment i have a weave on my head made up of some indians slaves hair , its so tight im living off pain killers just so that the car guard will stop calling me sir.I look forward to this weekend.

Moving on up.

The first time i had my heart broken , I was four.My favourite thing in the whole wide world , that i loved so so much was my red shoes that looked exactly like Dorothy's from the wizard of Oz.I was walking with my Gran to the shops and suddenly i scuffed them.I collapsed.I burst into tears. "Why Ouma , why"?
I was devastated for weeks and then i got a pair of jelly babie shoes and I got over it.

My past grueling 3 weeks of  break up period , have been fucking awful.You would think after 18 years of this i would be used to it ? I have no skin around my nose , I no longer have Facebook and i have killed my Fleetwood Mac album.

This said it has also been great.Bursting into tears in a yoga position in front of 20 people was also quite the highlight.Drunk dialing,(When not drunk). Hate mails, love mails and hating couples have been part of this process.

My advice for anyone going through all this , get 2 amazing girlfriends , bottle of wine , chocolate chip anything , dance your heart out , cry your heart and be angry.

Then get over it , because after hurting in places you never thought you could or would, smiling even when all you wanna do is phone him, somewhere inbetween all this , you will get a pair of jelly babie shoes and well you'll get over it.

Love sucks at the moment , but i still have the idea that my " person" is out there  and they trying to get to me as fast as they can.

the hardest part

The hardest part of a broken heart isn't the ending as much as the start.
Relationships  are dam hard , and when it ends you loose not only your lover , but your best friend too.
Along with all this i have probably lost liters in tears and snot and a bit of my dignity.

So does it get easier? I don't know , a part of me still loves being in love , feeling like you can move fucking mountains because hey , you aint nobody till somebody loves you right?Who the fuck breaks it off on facebook? I hate this.

The part of me that has not slept or seen sun in a while is saying fuck it!
guess im writing to try let go even if it leads no where, the so called love of my life is on a plane right now , probably with haunted images of me and a sign of relief, and as this rescue remedy kicks in , i can only hope it will all get better.

What is apoohpriate.

This is probably a weird topic of thought but …

What are the ground rules when dropping Suzy off at the pool?

I have been to lots of clubs where after standing in a queue bursting, a rather sheepish girl works out, “that was not me.” My personal favourites is when throwing a house party, someone forgets to flush , is nothing safe anymore?

I mean a get it, no ones shit smells like roses, but surely there are some places you just don’t do it? My second train of thought is of course the poor girl who took a dump at Trinity Club. Wait let me rephrase that , took a dump on herself.

A floater greeted me this morning in a building that has 3 floors.

I personal think if it’s yellow then its mellow but hell people if its brown flush it down.