Restaurant 101.

So to pay off shit, while I study, I work as a waitress.

Now I wouldn’t say the place I work at is a fine dinning restaurant, we don’t wear uniforms, we have a lot of Goths that work there and the kitchen staff ‘s idea of a good time is taking ice buckets and filling them up with left over wine, beer whatever has a hint of alcohol in it, they’re game.

I must be honest .I’m not the best waitress, in fact I’ll take a sneaky smoke break before I bring out your R500 bottle of wine but I write everything down and I don’t take sips of your drinks or steal you’re leftovers. So I think I’m pretty legit.

I also don’t have strange piercings all over my face or a weird accent or have 7 kids to support.

To be honest being a waitress sucks (well in my experience). Don’t get me wrong, I’m really grateful I have a job but in my experience waiting on people has been one hell of a ride for the past few years. My last amazing experience was when a table was about to embark on a threesom, asking if I wanted to join. My next favourite was having an ashtray thrown at my ass and the top one being asked if it hurt when I fell from heaven.

So I thought maybe I could add some key points to the phrase don’t shit where you eat.

1.     Ignoring me as I approach the table will only piss me off and make me probably not give you clean tap water.

2.     I don’t know the prices of things because I don’t ever eat here. The menu was made for you’re viewing pleasure and has all the prices, asking what is good is a stupid question, it’s not like I’m going to tell you if something is bad.

3.     I do not make the food. Shouting at me, telling me how kak it is and how long it is taking will probably make me spit in your food.

4.     Please don’t feel the need to continue your “well she sucked me for hours” conversation or how big your boyfriend’s toolbox is. I will judge you. I will also judge you if for the whole night you are sucking each others faces only to come up for air.

5.     Asking me do I know who you are, I am not a GPS but I have pretty good idea if you removed your head from your ass you might be on the right track.

6.     Tipping me with 5 c coins, really???

7.     One last tip, if your on a date and the whole restaurant is packed up, the kitchen staff is looking at you, the waitress is looking at you and the bar is closed and it’s 4 am – don’t be that couple.